can't stop won't stop
by Kendianna
Summary: "May your Gods fail you now you disgusting criminal"..."RON GET THE HELL OUT OF THE FOOD!"...Zuko leapt from the bushes "I'm totally nice now!"...he was only about as fast as a tricycling eight year old now, and had barely the stamina of a small pony...
1. Zuko the Turncoat

**Book Of Fire, Chapter Twelve: "Zuko the Turncoat!"**

Zuko leapt from the bushes "I'm totally nice now!" he shrieked as he landed in front of the small gang of ragtag _children_. Everyone looked to Aang, who appeared to be trying palm Katara's ass in the confusion. At the attention he quickly removed the offending appendage and coughed into his palm, face suddenly regal and thoughtful; "I say _MEH_!". Sokka scowled deeply and started mumbling, for 'meh' was the only official approval needed for the group to blindly accept a new member.

Katara stood seething with her fingers pointed out like fierce claws, eyes bursting in rage, "Does no one listen to me each time I tell you that this guy is a two-faced betrayer who switches sides at a whim for the sake of self-preservation? _No one?_" They shook their heads, and her eyes rolled back as she began to foam at the mouth. Zuko swaggered over and shoved a snap in her face, hip jutted out in a disjointed position "Dang Byatch, don't you know I'm good now?" Her brain exploded, and the last great Master Waterbender of the Southern Water Tribe lay deceased.

Aang crawled next to the headless body, repugnant splatter bountiful upon all close-by surfaces. He shivered as he poked her with his toe "You know guys, if just being in Zuko's presence flipped Katara's lid like a crazy-ass Mad Hatter teapot, maybe something really is up with the guy…" he glanced down at her body, finally getting up the courage to kiss her lifeless hand. Whispering softly he crooned, "At least your loss ensures that there could never be Zutara". Zuko laughed loudly; strolling over towards Aang, he wiggled his eyebrows and thrust his skinny hips "Au Contraire my friend, there was _definitely _Zutara goin on; OW!" the poor young monk swooned like a proper southern belle, and Toph caught him with a jagged protrusion of rock.

Sokka however, looked doubtful "How could that have happened, she totally hated your guts _to the definition of the term_. Not only would the two of you have had to keep it a secret, but you would have had to meet up with each other while we were thousands of miles away from the Fire Nation. Explain to me how that worked out Mister Scarface McJerkBenderPants.** Wha-What fo' **_**LOGIC**_**! HUH!"** he ended with a shout, throwing Water Tribe gang signs at everyone in the vicinity. The JerkPants in question smirked smugly "How did it work out? Your sister was usually in front on fours, and I did nasty things to her backside while she played with my-" the interrupting hand of sukie was clapped over his mouth. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" wailed Sokka, as he flung his boomerang at his own face. "UGH!" grunted Toph, as she bent chunks of rock into earplugs. "Ooooohhhhhh" groaned Aang, as he cried into Momo. "Maldito bastardo que robó a mi mujer" Rolled the r's of Haru. "I'm Handy Capable!" Exclaimed Teo, as he wheeled himself off the side of the temple.

Suddenly Aang's nostrils began to quiver, and as a single tear thrashed down the side of his face, he pointed his index towards Zuko. Voice trembling, he said with some semblance of authority "I retract my previous statement of 'MEH!'. You are banished from the group forever!" and he turned away, eyes closed.

"WOOHOOO!" cried Sokka, as he excitedly shoved Zuko headfirst off the side of the temple. Seconds passed and the young warrior knelt at the edge, curious as to why he heard no screams coming from below. With a _whoosh_ Zuko sped up the cliff face, flames bursting from his feet and hands. He was wailing some absurd song from decades past "AND I THINK IT'S GONNA _BE_ A LONG LONG TIME, 'TIL TOUCHDOWN BRINGS ME ROUND AGAIN TO FIND. I'M NOT THE _MAAAAN _THEY THINK I AM AT HOME, _NO _NO NO NO; I'M A ROCKET MAN, _ROCKET __MAAAAN_".

As if rocket-Azula and -Ozai weren't bad enough, Rocket-Zuko had made his mark on society. Many hundreds of miles away, Iroh sat up in his prison cell. He winced "My 'Nephew-is being-a-douche' senses are tingling. Damn, that's usually a bad sign..." he sighed as he donned his feather hat and cape and beckoned over the female security guard "Eh, serves the little shit right".

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**AN:** **I have to admit, I took the "Handy Capable" from GanXinba's Avatar The Abridged Series, and everyone makes the Iroh pimp-man joke. However, the rest is all me...I am so ashamed of my nerdliness...**


	2. A Loving Uchiha Reunion

**Naruto Chapter Four Hundred Something Something: A Loving Reunion**

Itachi limped closer to Sasuke, a weird glint of insanity in his blinded eyes. It was their final battle, and they both knew who the winner would be; Sasuke was just too much of a pussy to beat Itachi. As he reached his young brother, he pulled him into a one-arm-manly-man-hug. One brother seemed relaxed and joyous to embrace his sibling, the other was horrified and twitching. I'm pretty sure you know which was which.

Just as Sasuke was getting ready to attack again Itachi spoke, "Stop brother, I have to tell you a deep secret of our village, the deepest secret ever kept secret, as a secret. The secret of what really happened to our family!" with this Sasuke jumped back, expression hurt and angry "we know what happened, you killed them all". But Itachi jumped up as quickly as Sasuke had "No little brother, that isn't what happened at all, I know it looked an awful lot like that was what happened, but trust me, something else happened that night. Something…" his eyes narrowed, and he spoke in a whisper, "secret!" Sasuke rolled his eyes at this, but listened intently as Itachi continued.

"You see, our whole clan all lived in one place right? Of course right. You didn't notice of course because you have no sense of smell, but one day a horrible fire started, and it got worse when father tried to put out the fire with more fire. It got even bigger, and none of us knew what to do. You know how suicide-eager us Asians are, the whole bunch of them took their lives preventatively. Fortunately, I like living, and you're smell-blind, so neither of us perished. Just after all of our family members died painfully, I remembered that it was _water _that puts out fire, and put the whole thing out with the lake that happens to be in our back yard. Now do you understand why no one told you? No one wanted it to get out how stupidly and unnecessarily the Uchiha clan died, so I decided to take the blame for killing them all" tears welled in Sasuke's eyes, and his face was a mask of grief. "Why didn't you at least tell me, brother? Why let me suffer and hate you? And why did no one ever tell me that I couldn't smell?" and at this Itachi opened his own eyes.

A look of remorse took over his features. He crooned softly, "Why brother? All the better to get you to train, to grow strong and resilient, and brave, and so that your eyes would be RIPE FOR THE PLUCKING WHEN I GOT BACK TO TOWN! HA! HA HAHAHA!" He jammed his fist into Sasuke's head (in a non-rape way) and yanked out his eyes, leaving his little brother dead on the floor. He shoved the eyeballs into his own sockets, unhappy to find that he could still see nothing, and that the whole spiel was totally in vain.

He fell to his knees "DAMN YOU, COMPLEX OPTIC NERVES!" he tipped over, crying like a baby, and noticed the world seem to go fuzzy for a moment. He heard a low chuckling and heard footsteps getting closer. A swift kick to his stomach left him stunned momentarily. He felt the someone come closer and bend down. Someone was whispering in his ear now "I can't believe you thought something would happen if you put my eyes in your head. What kind of stupid wives-tale-ridiculous-conspiratist-crap is that?" He chuckled and continued, "And you know what? They really all killed themselves because they _hated you_ so much! SO SUCK IT!!!" and Itachi heard the laughter getting farther and farther away. He couldn't help but sniffle a little, and think to himself, _they didn't like me?_


	3. Looking for Horcruxes

**We come across our Trio alone in the woods**

"RON GET THE HELL OUT OF THE FOOD!!!" shrieked an irate Hermione Jean. Her eye twitched "step away from that that sandwich, we ate dinner _ten minutes_ ago!" she hissed, low and feral. He whimpered and whined, "But Hermione I'm starving, and all I've eaten in the past day is-" he was cut off by the exploding of Harry's brain.

"RON YOU"VE EATEN LIKE A KING THIS PAST WEEK!!! I don't know how much food Hermione brought with her, but you've probably eaten more than half of it! You've eaten, in the last two days, more than I ate during twelve years with the Dursleys! I don't know what kind of hormonal funk you're going through, but we've not been starving you! Jesus fuh-reaking Christ, Ron; you've been acting like a pig. A big fat pig!" neither Ron nor Hermione were used to Harry speaking that much lately, and it surprised them all out of their anger. Sighing, Ron molded his features into a sage like expression, very reminiscent of a certain pointy-haired boss. "_You can be a big pig too, HUH_!" he grunted out with an annoying smile on his face. Hermione rushed out to beat Ron senseless, but Harry held her back, sighing "Drop it frizz-face. He's a complete idiot, might as well try and get along" she sighed too, resigned against homicide.

They all calmed down, and sat at the table to brainstorm strategies.  
Hermione sighed again, "It isn't as if we have any actual chance at finding anything. I mean, it's as if we're just walking around this wood we're in hoping to find a horcrux by mistake. Knowing that likelihood of finding one by random chance is zero, we could go to an amusement park, I mean, we're practically just vacationing and playing house anyways" the boys' eyes lit up, and they made plans to head for Disney the next day.

Unfortunately, little did they know, a malicious looking, softly chuckling fern that bore the dark mark was planted right outside their tent. Also, unfortunately for them, it happened to be the last and most vulnerable of all of Tom's horcruxes, and due to them not finding it, Moldyshorts took over the wizarding world for the next sixty years. Had they taken even one step out of their tent that night to randomly search for horcruxes in the folliage, they would surely have been victorious against the beastly dark wizard within weeks. But instead they had fun at Disney.


	4. Citizen's Arrestin' On Yo' Ass

**Series of Unfortunate Events, book 13: The Surprisingly Simple Solution**

Holding onto young Sunny for dear life, Violet made a mad dash along the white lines of the crosswalk, each one a marker of distance - a confirmation of achievement in escape. She was followed by a maddened Olaf, who was loping towards her with ill-intent in his beady eyes. As soon as she reached one side, she ran back across to the other. Back and forth across the street she ran for many minutes. Then finally, safely on the sidewalk for a final time, she strode calmly over to Olaf with a slight swagger.

"Well, laffy-taffy old boy, I bet you're pretty confident. I've stopped running - you have us cornered and alone and it's the middle of the night. Congratulations" as she spoke, appearing from somewhere in the woodwork, came Klaus. Glasses at a jaunty angle, he had a cheery flush to his face. "You do don't you, you think you've caught us don't you? Well think again cousin-uncle-third-removed-brother-by-marriage-to-our-mother-who-happens-to-be-dead-now-and-we're-sure-it's-your-fault. We have the upper hand this time!" from his coat pocket, he removed a small video-recorder, all the while chortling and snorting wildly. Violet took over for him; "You see, just because we are surrounded by completely incompetent and ridiculously unintelligent adults, doesn't mean that we are so pathetic as to be unable to protect ourselves. You may have always had a niche before, you may be the man of one thousand escapes, but we've finally got you on candid camera. We've finally gotten something to get you locked away for the rest of your horrible and hopefully no longer murderous life" she took a moment to bellow at Klaus "START FILMING AGAIN!" then she ran towards Olaf and had him handcuffed in an instant.

"Count Olaf, on the charges of quadruple jaywalking, I do hereby perform both a legal and necessary citizen's arrest. May your Gods fail you now you disgusting criminal. I wouldn't say anything too incriminating, nothing you don't want the world to hear, anyways" with a rough tug, she tied a lead rope to his hands, and yanked him along behind her. She dragged him all the way to the police department, where the sheriff and Mr. Poe were coincidentally and conveniently waiting. The 'grownups' watched the video, and had Olaf in a cell quicker than two shakes of a lambs tail; which is actually rather slow, seeing as they don't have much exciting things to wag their tails about. Speed regardless, Olaf was placed in a cell where he belonged, and the children finally had their, hollow though it may have been, retribution; a phrase which here means would rot in jail without trial for the rest of his miserable life.

In the office of Mr. Poe, several hours later, the children and their former guardian were having a good chat. Poe sighed heavily "Children" he began '_we're not exactly children anymore_' muttered Klaus "Very very young children," Poe continued to the children's irritation. "We have never been the best of friends, you very young children and I, but we are connected in a way, I do believe. You see, it is the very childish child-like behavior that you display that makes me still consider you children. So you quickly and efficiently ended years of fruitless search made by us useless adult figures and caught a homicidal insaniac, you did it very naughtily. You should have allowed the good policemen to do their work. Although this example completely proves otherwise, nothing good comes when children interfere with grownup, adult matters. You keep showing these tendencies to defy your elders. Quite frankly, you children freak us out; you are all suspect in the murders of all of your guardians, plus we think you have outlandishly silly imaginations. Always claiming to have poor Mr. Olaf hot on your heels. It's a shame you've selfishly put such an outstanding public figure in the bin. Well, what have you to say for yourselves?" Poe ended on an surprisingly strong accusatory note, but he lost his thunder when he gave in to fits of coughing. Meanwhile the children could scarcely believe their ears.

Violet did an actual double take while he was speaking, and Sunny shook her little fist with rage. Klaus, red faced and shaking with anger, had the gumption to stand up. "You're well aware that you're a ponce right? And useless and pathetic, and completely oblivious?" Poe nodded at each point, and Klaus couldn't help but laugh just a bit. He gathered up Sunny and Violet and motioned toward the door. He shook his head patronizingly "just checking Poe, just checking" he paused at the doorway.

"Oh and Poe? We're off to search for the sugar bowl, we're old enough to take care of ourselves, quite frankly we don't really like you, I've got a hot date with a mushroom girl, Violet is about to become one member of a Quagmire sandwich, and we want to make sure you never contact us again. Cheerio old fellow, cheerio". On the way out Sunny, eyes filled with rage, shrieked: "DOUCHE!" which probably meant stick it, and broke off the handle of his door, chewing it in a deliberately offensive manner. And with that they left, something some readers thought they should have done _books _ago.

**A/N: If you like what you're reading, hit that little blue button and tell me so. **


	5. Screwed by Canon Support Group  1

**Wednesday 18/August 2010: Screwed-By-Canon Support Group Meeting Number 1**

Gus the Theater Cat sobbed gently into his shaking paws, his little old voice wailed out "_Why did that mangy bitch get to go to the heavyside layer_? No one even liked her, she was a right old tart! I'm probably going to die because of her!" Farid nodded and scratched his ear gently. There were tears in his eyes as well, "Those damn women just up and abandon you, don't they?" The little old cat pulled away indignantly "What ever are you talking about? This isn't about love! That vile old hag _stole my reincarnation_!" the short eastern boy stepped back a bit "Yeowch bruh, that's painful"

A mass of frizz and orange obstructed everyone's view for a moment. The two wizards had apparated in late, and were arguing as usual. A wraith-like shriek filled the air "Do you honestly think I want _YOUR MOTHER_ for an in-law? Or to have all of your ginger kids? Eurgh!" Ron and Hermione angrily took their seats in the circle "don't think I'm happy about this either, ugly…" the boy muttered. Her eyebrow twitched and she sent him a look that melted his liver in an instant, like forty years of alcoholism. He shivered, and turned away to glance at the new speaker.

In chairs next to them sat a young woman and man dressed to the nine in blue and red respectively, they held hands and had eyes only for each other. The girl turned to face the group, "I got paired up with a twelve year old. An obsessive, moody, _bald twelve year old_. We are both very disappointed about this" the boy next to her piped up "Yeah and I got stuck with a goddamn emo stalker. She has no personality or interests. Whatsoever... No joke". They both sighed, and the girl hissed out a further explanation "Our writers dumped me with the main character like I'm some kind of trophy wife. I get to be his little prize for saving the world" he gently rubbed her shoulder,"And quite frankly I would rather be fandomized with a platypus bear than stay with Mai". The crowd mumbled its sympathy.

"That's nothing!" shouted a man standing on his chair near the back of the room with some kind of martin on his head "I got so screwed over, Naruto wouldn't even believe it!" this piqued everyone's interest, and they ignored his rudeness to listen to his story. "My name is Will, and I've just been on one of the most epic adventure romance stories ever written. I follow this chick across her world, mine, and dozens of others, destroy heaven with her, profess my undying love for her, only to get shot down by a bunch of angels because we can have at least one hole in the fabric of space and time but there's simply no space for a little second one, so I was ripped completely ball-less because it ended up being my decision to obey the angels. And of course they stopped production of the movies just in time for me to miss my appearance. So I got to be alone, essentially trapped in my own where I'm a wanted criminal, stuck with my crazy-ass mother and some nutjob scientist/nun woman. My author HATES ME! Someone please tell me where to go from here…" he slumped over to sit in the chair and was immediately surrounded by pats on the arm and shoulder.

A waxy-pale man crawled out of the corner, eyes wide with apprehension and confusion. He licked his crusty lips and mustered up the gumption to speak "I..I think I might be a pedophile…" all around him were gasps of recognition, and the group flocked to surround him. Murtagh rushed over and shook the freaky little man's hand enthusiastically "Boo…Mr. Radley…I never thought I would have the honor of meeting you, another innocent villain!" rather than being comforted, he shrunk back slightly. He fidgeted from the light and noise "Those…those children led me on…I even saved the boy from that bad man only to be…to be forgotten…" There was an 'awww'-ing of understanding, and both Murtagh and the strange little man burst into big dramatic tears. "My daddy didn't love me! Or my dragon!" the man wailed, and buried himself in the other's shoulder. Odd glances were exchanged and the two were left alone to grieve.

Meanwhile there were other sobbing basket cases in the circle. A young man in a very ritzy suit and a woman in a burka sat next to each other weeping pitifully. The boy ground out a mournful cry "I worked so hard for so many years to be a nice guy, and then suddenly I'm an ass again. Now I'll probably never see Haven or Holly again. I'll have to spend the rest of my life looking at Butler's ugly mug!" the woman next to him barked out a laugh "Ha, that's nothing! I, Shabanu of the Pakistan, had to live on a roof for ten years, watching my lover marry my nemesis and raise my daughter in my stead, all because I was scared of an ancient, fat old Arabic crime lord who killed my husband who was thrice my age" Artemis stopped crying, impressed and creeped out, "well...yeah I suppose that is a lot worse - yikes...ten years, really?" she nodded, and held her face in her hands in shame.

A gut-wrenching groan came from the center of the room, and everyone glanced at the boy who held his knees - rocking hysterically. "I became fat again..." They were all confused, and Hermione and Katara went to try to calm him down. He shied away from them and stood quickly, all listened as he spoke "I read a book and went on a magical journey into it to save the characters, but because I was selfish, hesitant, and had a piss-weak disposition, I ended up ruining everything, betraying my friends, becoming power-mad, and almost dying. I wasn't even really a main character in the movie - they pretty much took out the _entire half_ of the book where I get to be the hero...The worst thing though..." he bit his curled index finger "I saved everyone in the end and got to go home, but...THEY SENT ME BACK AND I WAS STILL A FATTIE!" Bastian wailed into a doughnut he had summoned from the Golden-Eyed-Commander of Wishes. No one really felt that bad for him, he seemed like a bit of a douche.

At the same time, a familiar-looking man stood huddled near the wall. His fingers were shaped like a gun, and held up to his head. His hand bore a kiss-shaped burn. With the most manic of expressions and voices he talked to himself "No Tyler, It's just like those other groups, I just want to get some help..." his shoulders shook and he sunk to his knees, completely dead. Then he leapt back up again, and started babbling something about having to fill more orders of soap.

All the men eyed the handsome man's mustache with jealousy - it was a damn fine mustache. Rhett sighed heavily, as though resigned and accepting his painful fate. His T-Shirt read: _If She's Pretty, Then She's Probably crazy :D_ He sat pensive and approachable, listening to a woman divulge her life hardships "I had so many opportunities to nab that blond nuisance - he loved me and I loved him, and we could have been so happy together. I could have had him, I could have had Lee, I probably could have snagged Sasuke somehow, but that Cursed Kishimoto never even gave me a chance. I'M A SPINSTER BECAUSE OF HIM! A bitter, ugly old spinster, and I'm going to end up just like my sensei! WAAAHHHHH!" the man was slightly taken aback as the pink-haired woman cried...violently. She got a spite-filled look from a big-chested blond woman across the room.

**

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****If you don't recognize these guys...be ashamed of yourselves…very ashamed…**

**On a side note, I liked this - I'll definitely make more Support Group Meetings**


	6. You put the shards WHERE NOW?

**Inuyasha Chapter Five Million Seventy Three: The gang learns about contagious infections!**

"KAGOME!!!"  
"INUYA- Oh…Kouga. What do you want?" She greeted him, in a rather brusque fashion. Looking slightly crestfallen, he approached her with a limp. "Kagome I need your assistance. Come sit with me and I'll tell you all about it" he said, and they took care to settle themselves so he could tell his story.

"As you know," he began, "our vagrant semi-nomadic community is both backwards and completely uncivilized. As such, we realized recently that we have no medical care whatsoever (_doesn't that sound familiar?_). As soon as we noticed how vulnerable we were, we all became sick at once. Half of my wolves are dying of diseases we are literally and totally ignorant of how to cure. I remembered then, that you were the closest thing to a doctor any of us knew, and well…"he ended rather pathetically, and she instantly switched into 'female pity-vision'.  
"Oh Kouga," she said morosely, "of course I'll do all I can to help your people". He looked confused for a moment. "Help them? No who cares about them, I was just catching you up on village events. Jeeze, you're such a bleeding heart. I came to get you to help me with the shikon fragments in my legs". She spluttered, and gave him a sideways frown, "You'd better explain yourself, Kouga" she said. To which he responded like this:

"So you know how all the Youkai place the shikon fragments _inside them_, right? Well, it isn't as painless as it looks in the strips. You have to jam it in there, and it gets all gross and bloody and dirty, and of course it's a complete coincidence that we know absolutely nothing about infections, so since my legs have been hurting lately, I'm pretty sure something's not gone right". At this point they noticed, due to the raucous laughter, that Inuyasha was sitting behind the sofa.

"Kouga you are the stupidest thing on two legs. You don't put the fragments in your body, you just keep them with you" he gave Kouga a long look "don't tell me you've been actually forcing the fragments into the skin of your legs?"  
"well…yeah, I thought that's how it worked" Inuyasha made a face and stuck his tongue out.  
"Ewww. Not to mention ouch. Unfortunately, you people are even more backwards than I thought, since Kagome isn't anything close to a doctor. She's a priest, genius" his eyes glinted for a moment. "I can help you with your leg, though – KAGOME QUICK TIE HIM DOWN!!!" they jumped on the weakened wolf with astounding speed, and Kagome held him back while Inuyasha rubbed his hands together with a look of ecstasy on his face, "I've been wanting to do something like this to- for you for a while now, Kouga" he spat and pulled his sleeves back. He tied his hair away while Kagome held for dear life onto the struggling man.

"_Super-duper-ickitty-splashity-yuckitty-bluckitty-medical-nastious-dig-the-infection-out-with-my-bare-hands-this-is-going-to-hurt-no-justu!_" he screamed with a furious passion. With an uncharacteristic glee, he dug into Kouga's leg with his claws. With a very feminine whimper, poor Kouga passed out into a dead faint.

Several hours later, Kouga woke up to see Kagome standing over him. He held his breath, _Oh no that fucker killed me and Kagome and we're in heaven now wait this might be good I mean we're dead but at least that bastard isn't here sweet She's all mine now yessss,_ thought an incoherent and slightly dizzy waking outpatient. Soon though, he saw Inuyasha's hulking form, and his 'back offa my chick' stance, and he swore under his breath. He jumped up and was about to beat the living daylights out of his biggest rival, when he realized that he was in no pain at all. He looked at his legs, lifted one, sniffed it, then looked at the two in amazement.

"I can't believe it, but you, Idiot Bastard, have healed me" it broke his pride to do so, but he got down on one knee, "like you though I don't, I owe you a debt, and debts must be repaid". Inuyasha sneered, but Kagome was practically glowing with a mysterious female 'compassion-quota-fulfilled' aura. "Kouga don't thank us, just promise that you'll use your reinstated mobility to help your people" he looked thoughtful, "I might, 'aint making any promises. Now can I have my fragments back and I'll be on my way?" now it was Kagome's turn to look thoughtful. With a small smile she shoved him towards the door "Sorry, but sticking them in your body is not only totally fine, but the only way to use the shards. You just got looted buddy. Bye" and the door shut with a slam, leaving poor Kouga speechless. He ran back to the top of the mountain, noticing that he was only about as fast as a tricycling eight year old now, and had barely the stamina of a small pony. _Damn_ he thought, _I just got punked_!


	7. Village Hidden in the Pacific North West

**Naruto The Last Frog-Bender: Chapter Five Trillion Seventy Five**

Naruto was lounging in Tsunade's office, perched on the back of her chair and watching her do her paperwork. He could tell she was about to snap at him, but he made not the slightest effort to move. She ground her teeth and tugged at a pigtail – the kid had surpassed chunnin level, jounin, ANBU, and Sage, he was more qualified for her job than she was – why was he _ALWAYS BREATHING DOWN HER NECK? _She breathed deeply in and out, in and out. From the window piped up the cheerfully lazy voice of Kakashi "Oh Madame Hok-aaage! You-who! There's a strange group of visitors here to see you, they have a hitai'ate that isn't familiar" she sighed, he sounded too happy, "Send them up".

She was nearly blinded by the sheer aura of the fugly that wafted alongside these newcomers. A horrified eying over explained her initial reaction; the ninjas wore…atypical gear to say the least. Their hitai'ates bore some kind of fish-woman insignia, holding a bitten apple. Oddest though was their outfitting; bare legs, thick parkas, summer shorts, socks and sandals. She cleared her throat; glad Naruto had chosen to stifle his giggles. She tried to smile in a friendly way "So, guests, might I ask who you are and where you come from?"

A big man, their leader, stepped forward "Oh ya, sure miss. Ya see, we're here ta see you Madam Hokage. That _is_ you, eh?" she nodded and he continued "Well, my name is Deciduous, and my buddies here are called Starbuck, YouDub, and Nirvana. We're Sound ninja!" she sprayed her sake all over her desk and Naruto took a slightly less relaxed position on her chair. He rose a bit higher "Come again; you are Sound ninja, _servants to Orochimaru_?" he growled slightly and showed off a long canine tooth. Deciduous froze and paled slightly, then shook his head excitedly "No, Mistar leaf ninja, we're Ninjas hidden in the Sound…The _Puget Sound_. You know…in Washington…up and aboot near the Canadian border, yeah" Naruto only scowled to himself, he ought to have realized sooner. Those Pacific-North-Westerners couldn't tell, but their accent reeked of hockey and maple syrup.

Ignoring the slight grimaces on the Konoha ninjas faces, Deciduous bravely pressed on "So, Lady Hokage, the reason we're here is because we…well we don't really know any ninja moves" Kakashi's eyes were drawn away from his little orange book, Naruto leaped down from the back of Tsunade's chair, she herself shook her head "Come again now? Are you saying you want us to…teach you all of our jutsus?" the last bit had some bite to it, and the ninja wisely stepped back. He let out a high wavering chuckle "All? No Ma'am, we wouldn't be so presumptuous! Only some useful ones since we…don't really…have any at all…"

Spluttering bouts of laughter erupted from the three Leaf nin. Their chests shook with giggles and Tsunade stood, wiping a tear from her eye "So basically you want us to share village secrets with a strange people of unknown origins, who have admitted to being completely civilian! How can you be ninjas if you don't have _some_ form of jutsu?" the three outsiders were beginning to look a little uncomfortable. Starbuck had an indignant look spreading across his face "do you really think we would come asking favors of precious secrets with no tools of bargaining? We have hidden knowledge of our own that may be valuable to you"

Nirvana drew a small disc from one of his parka's pockets "This audio storage device contains sound samples of a new genre of music that is developing within our territory. We call it grunge, and it is very popular among our youths, who find that it bonds them together through a common interest" he bowed forward and placed it on Tsunade's desk.

Starbuck carefully withdrew a cup from within his parka "This is a beverage we drink in our homeland, which provides a rush of energy and a warm sense of happiness to its drinker. Some call it bitter, but it is really very similar to the tea you drink, only thicker and darker" he handed her the steaming cup.

YouDub slid the hood of his parka down, revealing a foam hat shaped like a wolf "This memorabilia is worn by those who wish to show loyalty to our warriors, by those who bear the wolf as their patron and as their symbol of ferocity! Take it and be blessed by its holy powers!" he shot forward and placed the hat directly on her head, grinning slightly.

Finally, deciduous came forward with a bit of swagger in his step "Now I know you have functionally adequate technology in Konoha, and that your real skill lays your physical strength. What if I told you that you could live in complete security and ease?" he drew a thin, flat thing from inside his knapsack and unfolded it to twice its size; "This is a personal computer. It can create algorithms to solve criminal cases (which you happen to be doing by hand, right?) virtually, it can hold massive amounts of information (you still hand write everything, right?) in many media formats, and it provides access to a major form of wireless, long distance communication (you guys use radios and birds, right?). This is the peak of modernization; deletes the need for labor-intensive crime solving work, paperwork, and excessive time-wastage caused by distance. This is the machine of your dreams - take it" he set it down gently, so gently, in front of the Hokage, who was mesmerized. His eyes glinted and the other two came up from behind to take a closer look at the device, enraptured. Deciduous muttered under his breath _hook, line, and sinker…_

As the Puget Sound nin left the office, waving enthusiastically, the Konoha nin chortled with mirth. Kakashi looked away from his book again, "Tsunade-sama, was it really very nice to trade them such low-level jutsus for these…wonders?" she shook her head "No and besides, they didn't walk away with nothing. I'd say a few ninjutsu from the elemental categories, and some other basic essentials was pretty fair. They got a couple of Bunshins, scrolls on chakra uses; they made out pretty well if you ask me. Don't get me wrong, we still got the better end of the deal, but at least we didn't let them figure that out!" and they laughed and gloated to themselves a while.

Out in the forest, the four laughed; hooting and hollering they clapped each other on the back. Starbuck snorted a bit "And to think; for a beat-up old laptop, a stale cappuccino, a metal CD, and a FanHat we get ninja magic!" and the three took a detour through Hollywood to get to the Earth Nation, where they sold the ancient element 'bending' scrolls for millions. And off of the initial investments of a coffee, a bad CD, foam, and a cheap laptop, they lived like kings for the rest of their lives.  
THE END...of that…

**I hope everyone got all of the Washington jokes! If you didn't feel free to leave questions in the **_**form of a review**_**! What am I kidding, this story will never get any reviews…**** :( enjoy anyways :]  
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